I have all the reasons to be grateful yet I'm not happy

Passed the C.E.

Quoting from a friend of mine: "you are now officially a Ph.D candidate: be confident."

I have all the reasons to be grateful yet I am not happy.

I passed the C.E. I am getting my master's this summer (at age 20) and in my first year of the many years to come to get my Ph.D. I having an amazing advisor, being able to work with whom brings nearly as much joy as passing the C.E. does.

Yet I am still not happy. I am stressed, distraught: there are still some silly messes that I need to clean up, messes that I believe are not my fault nor any other's; it may be all just a misunderstanding. I just hope no feelings get hurt or hurt too much in the process.

Got my fellowship check and expecting my stipend check tomorrow for the TA work I've done for this month: hopefully the last TA stipend check I'll ever get. Start as an RA from the 3rd quarter is sth. I've always planned, so is passing the C.E. by the 3rd quarter.

So far things seem to be doing okay according to plan. I really should not and cannot ask for more. I have a wonderful professor and a wonderful group to work with: and I'll build my identity from there.

Work hard and things would eventually work out. I know I cannot please everyone. And the subtle politics within the purest of the purest academic rings.

Well getting paid means I have a bit of money to indulge my shopping habit just a bit. Saw this absolutely stunning dress on Etsy yesterday:
I'm still not sure whether or not to get it. The pricey is not outrageous but still a considerable amount for a grad student. And I'm not sure how I might pull together the style~ and again the ultimate question when I'd ever get to wear it?
yet the dress possesses such a charm, the roses and the beads and the cascading ribbons, all in dark silk that makes it so beautiful and delicate almost to the point of heart-aching sadness. The silhouette reminds me of the shades of a lean tree in the moonlight, on which roses bloom and never seem to wither with time, and a silent song echoes in the darkness of the night.