I have all the reasons to be grateful yet I'm not happy

Passed the C.E.

Quoting from a friend of mine: "you are now officially a Ph.D candidate: be confident."

I have all the reasons to be grateful yet I am not happy.

I passed the C.E. I am getting my master's this summer (at age 20) and in my first year of the many years to come to get my Ph.D. I having an amazing advisor, being able to work with whom brings nearly as much joy as passing the C.E. does.

Yet I am still not happy. I am stressed, distraught: there are still some silly messes that I need to clean up, messes that I believe are not my fault nor any other's; it may be all just a misunderstanding. I just hope no feelings get hurt or hurt too much in the process.

Got my fellowship check and expecting my stipend check tomorrow for the TA work I've done for this month: hopefully the last TA stipend check I'll ever get. Start as an RA from the 3rd quarter is sth. I've always planned, so is passing the C.E. by the 3rd quarter.

So far things seem to be doing okay according to plan. I really should not and cannot ask for more. I have a wonderful professor and a wonderful group to work with: and I'll build my identity from there.

Work hard and things would eventually work out. I know I cannot please everyone. And the subtle politics within the purest of the purest academic rings.

Well getting paid means I have a bit of money to indulge my shopping habit just a bit. Saw this absolutely stunning dress on Etsy yesterday:
I'm still not sure whether or not to get it. The pricey is not outrageous but still a considerable amount for a grad student. And I'm not sure how I might pull together the style~ and again the ultimate question when I'd ever get to wear it?
yet the dress possesses such a charm, the roses and the beads and the cascading ribbons, all in dark silk that makes it so beautiful and delicate almost to the point of heart-aching sadness. The silhouette reminds me of the shades of a lean tree in the moonlight, on which roses bloom and never seem to wither with time, and a silent song echoes in the darkness of the night.

A Spring without a Break

Spring but no break.
How sad is that?
But I did give myself a little break, from yesterday after QM final to now.
Watched TV last night. And then slept from 12:30am till 3:30 pm, 15 hrs straight.
Dreamed of my teachers in college, my mom, and the scenes boiled down to my college entrance exams and interviews nearly 5 years ago. Messy things and I cried in my dreams. Woke up with no tears but an echoing headache that took a long hot shower to go away.
Got dressed and went to school. Well I keep most of my stuff there including my laptop so home is pretty much just a place for shower and sleep, oh and getting dressed.
Had wonton soup and egg rolls for dinner. Vegetable juice freshly out of the fridge (have a small one in my office). Random browsing on the web. Girls' blogs. Etsy. I keep adding stuff into my shopping cart on Etsy and then move them to my favorites' list: well it is the last 1/3 of a month so I guess payday is not that far away.
What is really near is the C.E. 5 days away. The thought itself scares me. But I find it really hard to study for it right now, I mean right this moment tonight. Surely I have to move into full study mode tomorrow.Though it is officially spring break. The department arranging every year's spring C.E. DURING spring break may be viewed as hypocritical, or merely CONSIDERATE? (so we at least get a few days to study for it after the finals...)
The weather has been incredibly nice these days. So warm and sunny you barely need a jacket. The perfect season for silk, and linen and cotton. A week from now, hopefully I'll be in blooming mood for new spring dresses.
Bought this lovely dress from Etsy earlier this month. I think I'll go watch "Alice in Wonderland" in it some time early next month. The previous owner is such a lovely lady with an amazing family. And she sent me a small but special gift with the dress. This is one of the things I love about vintage hunting on Etsy: from time to time you meet clothing that are one of a kind, and the people behind them just make them so much more special than they already are.

I'm so tired I wanna cry

The title says it all.
The past week has been heretic.
Spent entire past weekend working on the last E&M assignment. Could have done better (should have done better). Still, learned quite a lot so it's all worth it.
Monday. Started preparing for the C.E.
Tuesday. Class. Preparing for the C.E. One of the best things happened that day. I officially (at least I think so?) signed to my current advisor.
The moment I walked out of the HEP assistant's office door, I could almost hear the springy bounciness in my footsteps.
It's a dream I've held fast to for an entire year.
Ever since I decided to come to this school, an exact one year ago.
I've never told others before, but part of the reason I chose this school, was hoping that I could have a chance to work with Prof.M.
I waited.
I observed.
I contemplated.
When it approaches the end of the second quarter, I could feel it's about time.
And so it is.
I am grateful as ever.
Along comes even greater stress.
I told our department executive officer that "thinking of the C.E. could make me wake up in the middle of the night in a panic attack."
And I was not just being dramatical.
The EXAM.

Have been studying for it for the past 3 and a half days.
And today it's Friday and I just feel too weary to keep working.
I guess it's okay to take just one day off?

Watched a bit TV and went downtown late this afternoon: returned a skirt (only 'cos I bought another one when it got further marked down) and the sweetheart dress to Anthro; returned a belt and a dress to WHBM and picked up another belt at WHBM. Sometimes when I'm doing all these buying and returnings and exchanges I feel like someone with an eating disorder: in and out for that fleeting moment of ecstasy.
I guess I have reached some point when I really have too many clothing, so the thing is no longer to fill the closet but to be inspired by it.
Saw this lovely mink wrap on Etsy, not sure whether or not to get it? If yes then it would be the first piece of real fur I own, but the question is when I'd ever have a chance to wear it?
The thing is, before the C.E. I really do not feel like wearing anything particular.

I guess I shall go to bed early tonight,and then work my way through the coming 12 days.

God bless all.

It takes time

By the time I went to dinner at around 7pm, I have worked out 3 out of 6 problems of my E&M hw.
By this hour when I'm posting my blog, I have finished 3 out of 6 problems of my E&M hw. (well I did took a long dinner break and broused blogs and a bit of Etsy-brousing ;-P)
When the professor switched the 2-week HW into 2.5 week, I thought he was just being too kind.
Now I know he is just being reasonable.
When I told my classmate that I plan to finish E&M today (starting today), he stared at me for 5 seconds and said, syllable by syllable which almost sounded like letter by letter: "good luck."
And now I know I need more than just luck.
It just takes time.
But within the time spent on it, I've thought the problems through, got ideas, and understood a lot more about what we've learned in class.
So all in all it's worth it.
Again quoting from this very lovely classmate of mine: "Iris you just have to keep working."
This is a classmate who believes the most enjoyable thing in the world is going home from the reading room at 2:30 a.m., go home, open a can of beer and read a book of physics.
I love physics. I sometimes say I seek serenity in the world of particles. But I cannot relax in it.
Well this is a classmate who upon hearing me say that I like fashion and shopping, murmured "eccentric".
Sometimes I do feel this way among my dear classmates.

Gotta grab groceries tomorrow morning and then go to school and study for the C.E. If I can meet some classmates I can discuss EM hw with them; if not I'll just discuss the problems and work them through on Monday. Gotta finish grading the kids' HW and lab reports as well. If everything works out fine, this would be my last hw & lab report set to grade, though my TA duties for this quarter would not be over till after the finals. Still work ahead. It takes time.

So Sunday and Monday: study one set of C.E.; finish EM hw (this is not an option, hw due Tues.); finish grading; go to the Monday morning group meeting and afternoon lecture; get some paperwork done; and I still wanna watch the Academy awards ceremony and House and TBBT on Monday night.

What a plan.

It takes time. But hopefully I can get them finished well.

Went shopping yesterday afternoon till early evening. Saks beauty week: complimentary facial at Cleo De Peau and bought 3 items since it's $100-$25 plus gifts. Returned a Calvin Klein leopard print wool coat to Macy's and a wool jacket to Jcrew. Picked up a lilac metal bangle at Jcrew (thinking it would go well with my lilac sweater from Benneton or lilac silk blouse from Kate Spade). Stopped by Club Monaco, and score: a wool blazer for $39 (originally 248) and a silk shirt dress for $29, oh and three pocket notebooks for $1 total. The blazer is a size6 and the dress a size2. I continue to realize that my height and build allows me to go with a wide range of sizes, esp. with outerwear, basically, 0 to 6 could all have a chance to work:)

Oh the two Anthro dresses in my previous posts. Now I have BOTH. The great heights shift finally went on sale and I snatched it right away. Absolutely adorable and I wore it shopping yesterday, and every single one I met on the street, in the stores wherever complimented my dress and my coat (DKNY wool ruffle coat winter white, $90 sale price from Nordstrom). The name of the dress "great heights" just carries so much aspiring expectations: it always reminds me of President Clinton's second inaugural speech, the closing remarks "from the height of this place, and the summit of this century, let us go forth".
The swinging sweetheart dress, well, the size2 fits if not a bit on the bigger side, and it is adorable, but so far it is not doing well enough to convince me to keep it. No not for $168. I already have a few contrast dresses, and at $168 it would be THE MOST expensive dress I've ever bought and it somehow does not justify the title. If it ever goes on sale...but this one at the moment is most likely going back.

That being said, my heart races for this adorable piece. Found on Etsy.
Isn't it just gorgeous? The flower detail near the hem is extremely impressive.
But when would I ever get a chance to wear it?
I already have a couple really beautiful party dresses that I really do not feel I can ever wear to school.
But again every girl deserves a dress that answers to her lust instead need, that she slips in in her dreams and swirl like a princess, dancing as no one is watching but to the rhythm of her heart.

An Unsettle Mind

Really really confused days.
Need to work, but finding it really difficult to focus.
Am I not pushing myself hard enough? Or am I just too much stressed?
The quarter is pushing to an end, though it still feels like Christmas was yesterday, or at least, I'd just got back from D.C.
It is such an important quarter, yet so far I am the least satisfied with what I've accomplished.
Really really need to stop idling online or on other stuff and get down to get serious business done.
Work hard, play hard.
If you dilute play into work then both are messed up.
That is the simple truth.

That said, if I had all the time in the world I really love spending time browsing the gals' blogs and going over items on Etsy.
There are so many lovely finds.
I love this dress and I want it to be mine. Though it is a tag too big for me.
Nautical styles and polka dots, military and neutral tones, spring flowers and simple white, clogs and wedges:
this really ought to be a good year.